It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. To be honest, it’s been a while since I’ve done a few things I used to find enjoyable. This is nerve wracking for me to write about, but maybe admitting things will help me (or maybe even someone else). I have depression and anxiety. I have struggled with this for a long time, maybe half of my life now. For the past year I have been hiding this last stint from everyone possible and I’ve become very good at this. There are a few whom it is impossible for me to hide from- and to those I feel shame that you’ve had to see me this way.
I’m hoping by exposing my depression I can take away the shame. I want to take away my depression’s power. I want to tell that voice in my head telling me “You’re all alone in this”, to politely go fuck itself.
I really think that’s the worst part about depression. You feel all alone. And you’re not. I’m not. I’m surrounded by people who love me, but this disease can distort reality.
I’ve battled this a couple times now, sometimes with medication right now without. Right now I’ve been trying super hard to focus my nervous energy on the gym. It has become my time where I don’t feel weak and helpless. The gym gives me immediate feedback. My times on the elliptical get better every week. The weights increase every week. The gym has become my hope that I’ll beat depression again.
Every once in a while I look back at how my life and wonder how the hell did I survive? No wonder I have depression and anxiety issues… But if I can survive my past, I sure as hell can survive this. To those closest to me, your compassion towards me through this means more than you will ever know. You have loved me through my worst, and give me hope that I can love you back at my best soon.
If you are struggling with depression, please know that you aren’t alone. Please know that this is a disease in your brain- just like people who have heart diseases. You are not damaged and there is help out there. Hold onto the things that give you hope as tightly as possible. Embrace the moments when you do feel happy. You are a beautiful warrior, and you will beat this. We will beat this.